As usual, a woman is at the bottom of it all

WANTS PAY FOR KEEPING A CHILD
Isaac Thompson, of Marquam's Mount, the wood butcher, whose alleged wife deserted him for her original and only husband, James P. Rahilley, and who caused her arrest on a charge of bigamy, yesterday commenced suit in state circuit court against the said James P. Rahilley, to recover the sum of $1140, alleged to be due to him for taking care of boarding and lodging Matilda Rahilley, a minor child of the Rahilleys aforesaid. the time during which he cared for Matilda is put down at fifty-seven months, and it is claimed that the sum of $1140 is a reasonable one for the services rendered. Just how all the trouble between Thompson and the Rahilleys will terminate is difficult to imagine. As usual, a woman is at the bottom of it all, and she appears to be a very free and easy sort of a female, too. Deserted by one man she twines around another like the regulation ivy round the oak, and is happy once more. the deserter returns and she untwines and leaves the oak on which she leaned with as little regret as if he was a cast-off slipper, and is now happy with her first love. It is to be hoped that the fair sex will not adopt the fashion set out by this sister, as it will tend to mix families, and will make some men as mad as blazes.

-April 5, 1885

[Copywriter: Say, chief, how's this for the Rahilley piece?
Editor: (reading under breath) '...will terminate is difficult to imagine.' Hmm, needs more maudlin metaphor! Skip to it!
Copywriter: Like a drunk teenage poet, you got it, chief!]

left a lead mark on his underwear

FOUR SLUGS IN HIS BODY AND NOT KILLED
   On Saturday, the 28th ultimo, at Marshfield, Coos County, D. J. Delauney shot F. A. Anderson with a double-barrelled shotgun, loaded with slugs, bullets and small shot. DeLauney fired at night from his window, the victim being about 100 feet distant in the street. Six of the shot or bullets took effect. One entered the left breast and ranged inward. Another penetrated the scalp near the crown of the head, passed under the skin and next to the skull for a distance of two or three inches, and passed out. Another struck on the outer side of the left leg, half-way between the knee and the hip, and passed out. Another struck about the center of the left thigh, ranging in towards the bone. Another passed through the victim's trousers, left a lead mark on his underwear and burnt a round hole in the skin of the leg beneath, and sixth struck the right hand, between the knuckles of the first and second fingers, followed the bone and came out near the wrist. The reason none of the shots were fatal, is that the assailant used too much lead and not enough powder in the charge. Anderson will recover. Cause of the shooting was alleged intimacy between the assailant's wife and Anderson. DeLauney is a steamboat engineer, and Anderson a livery stable keeper.

-April 5, 1885

[Not enough powder in the charge - that's what Mrs. DeLauney said! ZING! That said, Mr. Anderson might have the world's greatest bar bet-winning story from this: "so, there was me and the steamboat engineer's wife in the kitchen, and the man hisself walks in the door, swears he's going to kill me, and runs upstairs! So I hitch up me trousers and start running down the road and KA-BLAMMEY he give me both barrels, and ssswifft! In and out of me hand (indicates a scar) and noggin (indicates another)!" Bartender: "A'yup, Anderson wins the fiver!"]