Kaiju Sessions 9-11

KAIJU-9: Versus (’00)

d.d. tinzeroes: After Session 8, there passed a pretty long hiatus as Christmas and stuff went by. I was a little disappointed in this film the first-time around (the old ‘expecting too much’ thing). I’ve come to like it a lot more lately. I think its because it so freely spoofs/mimics so many other films, namely the Matrix’s fight scenes. Once you realize that it has no qualms about ripping that stuff off, you can appreciate what it does bring to the table.

Ultratom(!): DUDE!!! Mobsters, a Jailbreak, and ZOMBIES?!?!?! 'Versus' rocks it, HARD! lower budget, fairly simple plot, but a whole lot of fun. D.D. wasn't as into it as I was, but hey Zombies who can use guns... lets face it, that RULES!!!

KAIJU-10.: Daimajin (’66); Godzilla vs. Ebirah (’66)

d.d. tinzeroes: Daimajin is one of my favorite movies overall. I made the call to pair it with ‘Ebirah’ since they came out in the same year and that seemed like a good pairing. Both films are cool, but Ultratom(!) kept falling asleep during Daimajin, and ‘Ebirah’ represents, in my opinion, the lesser of the late-Showa Gojira films, since it sorta straddles the later, sillier stuff, and the earlier, cooler stuff. As a result, it sorta sits uncomfortable betwixt and between the two.

Ultratom(!): I did not fall asleep during 'Daimjin' I did however nod off During 'Ebirah'. 'Daimajin' exceeded expectations, I was super impressed with the special effects (considering the year it was made). it was just a great cinematic build up, with a bad ass pay off, and unlike most films that follow that formula, 'Daimajin' did not feel like it was dragging... 'Ebirah' was great, seeing Ebirah and Godzilla playing catch with boulders, I love it.

KAIJU-11: Gamera vs. Gaos (’67); Godzilla’s Revenge (’69)

d.d. tinzeroes: Gamara vs. Gaos was pretty cool. Note to self: all future Gamera films should be the dubbed versions. I sincerely think little is lost. However, there is a chance footage is cut in dubbed versions. Will have to have a vote on this. Same goes for Godzilla’s revenge and other late-Showa Godzilla stuff. Good times, nonetheless. Good times.

Ultratom(!): 'Gamera VS. Gaos' was great, they had some of the best ideas of how to try to catch Gaos ever. I may use some of those ideas if I ever have a rodent infestation... 'Godzilla's Revenge' brought back memories of saturday mornings, neighborhood bullies, and the time I kicked Minya's ass. Werd up.

Pikku Someri (Issue 3)

Returning to his machine-gun nest, Kaj passes his spyglass to Vittori and mentions the derby-wearing fellow at the prow of the lead rowboat. Vittori raises the spyglass to his eye and squints out onto the Gulf of Finland for a few seconds. Lowering the spyglass he points out that in addition to the standing derby-man, there's at least one other derby-wearer in each boat, though they're sitting. Kaj observes they appear to not be armed for assaulting a rocky beachhead. Vittori shrugs and guesses they could be political officers. Both of them smirk at this remark, then ready the Spandau, hunker down, and wait.

Kaj's optimism (if that party official or whatever in the derby is standing up like that, then the Soviets must not know the gunners lay in wait, so the Finns have the element of surprise) is dampened as he notices the speed with which the rowboats are approaching. They are making remarkable time, to gauge from distance. Perhaps the tide is in their favor. Soon, they will enter the inlet and it will be time for the triangle of neigh-antique machines guns to go to work. The only "beach" access is directly below of Kaj and Vittori's nest, so, assuming some Soviets make landfall, the other two nests will be shooting them from behind at 45degree angles. There will be no where to hide.

Kaj blinks, because little flotilla is at the mouth of the inlet. How did they cover so much water so quickly? He brushes the trigger with his index finger, centers the sights on the derby-man. The battle plan is for the other two "corner" guns to fire first, once the boats are firmly in range of all three guns. Kaj and Vittori wait for Seppo and Samuli and Roope and Paavo make their move.

Kaj knows something is wrong when Paavo opens fire. The pop-pop-pop of the Spandau seems delayed, drawn out. And the man in the derby doesn't even flinch or jump. In fact, a naval infantryman in the boat closest to Paavo and Roope's nest is already lowering a rifle, a rocket-propelled grenade at its barrel, in the direction of the sputtering Spandau, which, Kaj realizes, is only on its seventh shot. As the grenade describes a fiery arc across the water towards Paavo and Roope's post, Kaj swears he can sees one of the naval infantrymen stop rowing, lean back, and… was that a bullet passing by his face, slow enough to see and be dodged?

As Kaj pulls the trigger Paavo and Roope's machine gun nest explodes. As the Spandau voices its first awkward, drawn out pop, he realizes he's aiming at empty water in the middle of the inlet. Below him the first rowboats are already on the beach, the Soviets disembarking, the derby-man looking right at Kaj, turning and talking to infantryman, indicating at Kaj. As he brings the Spandau to bear on the beach, Samuli and Seppo's nest bursts into flames. Kaj marvels that he can see the bullets leaving his Spandau, that they can be tracked visually as they head down towards the Soviets. The derby-man and a few infrantry are starting to climb the rocks nonchantly, simply side-stepping the slow-moving bullets. One of the infantrymen is fishing out a grenade.

Then the camouflage roof of the sandbag bunker is collapsing, Vittori and Kaj rolling onto their backs. Kaj blinks at the brightness of the sky, and Jonias' bearded visage crouches down to dominate his vision.

"Whatever you do, Finn," warns Jonias, tying a piece of cloth across Kaj's forehead, "don’t take this off!" Kaj feels something hard and sharp and small pressing through the cloth against his scalp. Jonias ties another cloth around Vittori's head, and Kaj sits back up feeling oddly clear-headed.

As Vittori gets back up, Jonias looks out of the bunker towards the inlet, then at Kaj with an exasperated look, "Well, machine gunner? What're you vitun waiting for? Machine gun!"

Kaj looks and sees the derby-man and his troops, already two-thirds up the rocky climb, looking back up at them with looks of absolute shock on their faces. The derby-man's looking at an odd over-sized wristwatch, fiddling with dials and knobs, looking up at Jonias and Kaj and Vittori, then back at the watch.

Kaj is the first to spring to action and lunges back to the Spandau, which is pointed up at the sky. He levels it back down towards the landing party, and the derby-man and a few of the leading infantrymen dive for cover as the gun begins its pop-pop-popping. As the rank of infantry right behind those who just dived for cover are cut down, Kaj is relieved he can't see the bullets lazily floating through the air anymore. His relief wanes when return fire starts pattering the sandbags of the bunker. They may have a machine gun and the high ground but they're vastly outnumbered.

"Gentle children?" Kaj hears Jonias speaking behind them, "may I suggest we fall back and regroup?" Vittori nods at Kaj and gathers up a few ammo belts. Kaj hesitates to leave the Spandau. "Leave it, Finn!" curse Jonias, already halfway to the tree line. Spying the infantryman from before having another try with that grenade, Kaj turns, snatches his rifle, and breaks for the treeline. The bunker explodes behind him as he passes the first pine.

Kaiju Sessions 6-8

KAIJU-6: Gojira (’54); Parasite Eve (‘97)

D.D. Tinzeroes: Oddball Session. I felt Ultratom(!) was obligated to see the original. However, it is true that is NOT a fun movie. It’s a sad, tragic film. So Ultratom(!), is as always the case, pretty much fell asleep. Parasite Eve was our first attempt to push the definitions of the Kaiju Sessions out to include Japanese sci-fi/horror in general. Director Masayuki Ochiai manages to pull off some good suspenseful scenes, but the story (from the novel by Hideaki Sena) loses steam at about the 3/4ths mark.

Ultratom(!): So D.D.'s TV (or the videos we watch) have a lot of soothing white noise that drags me towards a dreamlike state where all of a sudden I'm in the movie, then D.D. wakes me up with a kindly slap to the arm. The original 'Godzilla' film is pretty hardcore. Its more about the Mankind and human relations then it is about giant rampaging monsters. and I didn't fall 'asleep' asleep, I just nodded off for a minute here or there, I didn't miss anything, well I don't think I missed anything. I find that I still think about this film alot. Definetly hardcore. 'Parasite Eve' was pretty damn good, some great scenes, but did start to drag a bit towards the end. I can see why they made game after it, great storyline. Exactly what I was in the mood for.

KAIJU-7: Ultraman Zearth (’96); Gamera (’95)

D.D. Tinzeroes: This was Peat’s first foray into the Sessions. Ultratom(!) insisted he be indoctrinated with some Canonical materials. My recollection is that he was unimpressed with Zearth. He liked Gamera, however. Now he’s one of us.

Ultratom(!): My Friend Peat had moved back from New Zealand, and since Peat was the only person who didn't want to kick my ass or vow never to let me pick the film after I dragged a group of friends to the theatre to see 'Godzilla 2000', I thought he would be a prime candidate to join us on our Kaiju Adventures. Peat wasn't into 'Ultraman Zearth', what can I say, not everyone'll enjoy it as much as I do. However Peat was sold on Gamera. Shortly after seeing 'Gamera' with us he renamed his Business server to "Gamera".

KAIJU-8: Hakaider (’95); Godzilla x Megaguirus (’00)

d.d. tinzeroes: The day before Thanksgiving? I think it was. C.Collision from the old B3 troupe jumped on board for this one. Haikaider was a fun little romp lasting an hour or so. Godzilla x Megaguirus won me over as the better of the three 21st century Godzilla films. I do know it had everyone cheering.

Ultratom(!): I'd been wanting to see 'Hakaider' for a year or so at this point. I caught the tail end of it at Peat's dojo some time ago, it was on the international channel and had no subtitles or dubbing, but looked pretty damn kewl. I think I had built it up in my mind a bit much so I felt a little let down after actually seeing it. In retrospect though it is a fun film, and the set design was great as was the costuming. Very post apocalyptic, in a good way. 'Godzilla X Megaguirus' is probably my favorite of the post 80's Godzilla films. Bad ass monster. Serious battle sequences. A very gratifying film to watch. Yes we were all cheering at the end..

Deep Archive Pt. 4 ("DDT interviewed by IDEA")

[Note: Interview with Tinzeroes about the old days with Dickstain, for IDEA magazine, prior to his purchase of IDEA, and one of several, though no record of the other interviews are available, at least readily. Probably dates from the summer of '99 or '00, I'd wager... -Rensey]

IDEA: For starters, I'd like to thank you for doing this interview, Mr. Tinzeroes.

D.D. TINZEROES: Yeah, well, its part of my plea bargain, so... (shrugs).

IDEA: Along with Airport Dickstain and The Canadian¹, you are considered one of the pioneers of Enibriation-as-Art. Care to explain?

DDT: Well, funny thing about that, you know. I mean, I remember as sort of an afterthought we, me and Dickstain and Canada, sorta named me the "winner" of the "Yellow Jersey" after the end of the logn weekend of binge drinking. It was that summer, if I recall, that the three of us started gettin' tight, you know, and sort of began to embrace the concept of gettin' drunk and bein' a jackass.

IDEA: So this is when the Jackass League of America emerged?

DDT: Yeah. The JLA.

IDEA: How did you and Airport Dickstain and The Canadian meet?

DDT: Well, see now, I'd know ICe-B since, uh, late '96 or so, maybe? I can't remember. I lived across the street. I know it was the summer of, uh, '98 that I really got to know him. I hangin' at the Rose Garden late, with the Spice Girls, Janet Jackson, the Backstreet Boys, Disney on Ice, the Circus, stuff like that...

IDEA: Really? The Spice Girls?

DDT: Yeah. I saw Scary's boobs.

IDEA: No shit?!

DDT: Yeah, its true. Her top was one of those string-tie things and it just fell off while she was dancing!(laughs)

IDEA: Wow. (laughs)

DDT: Anyway. I met Canada around that time.

IDEA: And Dickstain?

DDT: Well, now, for that, um. Geez. I think we'd hung out a few times, but only at the bar. The real friendship, if you can call it that. The Collaboration. The collaboration began on the stretch of road between this house that was having a party and the bar where Dickstain was hangin' out with the Subcommandte.

IDEA: Uh huh.

DDT: Um. So I rode this 3-Speed Cruiser I had recently purchased over there. At some point the party ran out of Beer so I went to the nearby Plaid Pantry.

IDEA: Plaid Pantry! Yeahhhh!

DDT: O-Kay... So I'm riding back with a plastic bag with a six pack of tall boy PBRs in it and I ride across the street and approach the party. I figure I can swing up a driveway and on to the sidewalk right?

IDEA: Right.

DDT: So I do it. But I'm going a little fast than I thought I was so I get up on the drive way and try to make this tight turn onto the sidewalk one-handed. My front wheel touches that buffer of lawn between streets and sidewalks and kinda catches on the lip of the sidewalk. The wheel jacks hard to the left and my right hand slips off the handgrip. The bike falls and so do I. My left hand's preoccupied with the beer so I basically don't break my fall in any way whatsoever.

IDEA: Were you alright?

DDT: No. But the beer was fine. I came down hard on my right knee. Of course I've been drinking so I don't really feel any pain and it starts bleeding like a bitch.

IDEA: Ouch. Then what?

DDT: Well, I get up and go to the party, mainly concerned that my beers are alright.

IDEA: Uh huh.

DDT: After a while the hostess has enough money for another keg but no one to go get it. I say "I'll do it" and I'm kinda standing around out front waiting for these real wankers to get their shit together so like five fucking people can go and pick up the keg.

IDEA: Stupid.

DDT: YEah, you're telling me. Anyway, I get tired of waiting and the bars like only 4 fucking blocks so I figure I can just ride up there, do the paper work, have a beer and wait for these dipshits to get their shit together and meet me there.

IDEA: Yeah. That's reasonable.

DDT: So I sorta start to take off and these dipshits all start walking really fast after me, as if I was gonna steal the cash!

IDEA: No!

DDT: Yes! I love beer. I would never deprive other people of beer! So I get to wait around like another ten minutes and get in this fucking van with all these dumbshits and go the bar. I get there and I'm like "fuck it" and order a beer and just let the dumbshits deal.

IDEA: Damn straight.

DDT: YEah. So I look around and there's the Subcommandte and Dickstain sitting at a booth. So I sit meself down and have a cold one with them.

IDEA: Uh huh.

DDT: Yeah, and its right about then that my buzz wears off a bit and that knee cut starts to hurt, I mean, Fucking Burning hurt, like a real motherfucker!

IDEA: (laughs)

DDT: Yeah, so I'm constantly stopping in mid-sentence and kind of bending over in pain and going "ahhhhhhh, my knee, it BURNS!!!"

IDEA: (laughs)

DDT: So then they're both like, well, lets go that party if they have a keg now. And I'm like okay. So we go outside and Airport's got his mountain bike locked up and I'm like walk with me but he's like no and I'm like well let me ride on the cargo rack and he's like okay and so we take off and more than once he jumps some curbs or something and I get fucking racked on his his cargo rack. So my knee hurts with searing burning pain and my nuts are getting slammed into a piece of flat aluminum.

IDEA: (laughs)



END.


¹ From Jarkko's intro to Dynamic Inebriaism

The Canadian:
Early collaborator. Illegal immigrant, later deported. Made important contributions to thinskinnedism, condesencion, and wealth of irrelevance. Case study in the canonical Lester Bangs text You Can Live Like a Billionaire on No Income: I Do All the Time, and This Book Tells How. Core heckler. Pioneer of unemploymentedistics, currently reduced to working three jobs and volunteering on the side. Working on a piece called "Twenty-three ways of looking at a mandal" (italics mine).

Signature move: Coming to our country to drink our beer, sleep with our women, and to try as hard as Canadianly possible to avoid taking a job away from anybody.
Signature line: "With me or at me, as long as they're laughing."

Kaiju Sessions 3-5

KAIJU-3: UltramanZearth (’96); KingKong vs. Godzilla (’64)

D.D. Tinzeroes: Seeing as the previous three Sessions had been dictated by merely watching the Gamera Trilogy in sequence, this was a crucial Session. As it turned out, it was probably the best one to date, and would prove to be best-of-all for some time. Ultraman Zearth, being both a parody of
the Ultraman series as well as running at a trim 50-minutes or so, turned out to be a perfect match to KingKong vs. Godzilla, which has quite a bit of intentional humor in it as well.

Ultratom(!): "ZEARTH! ZEARTH! ZEARTHZEARTHZEARTH!!!"
'Ultraman Zearth' is nothing short of brilliant. An Ultraman character who is mysophobic(afraid of dirt), Transforms using an electric toothbrush, and can't shoot his 'Speshusshula Ray' straight. A comedy with action, Saturday morning cartoon style soundtrack and plot. D.D.was hitting my arm every couple of minutes and pointing out characters from the original 'Ultraman' series. 'King Kong vs. Godzilla' was also a great film. King Kong was rockin, making his loud monkey
noises, looking down to see a building in his way, and almost as an after thought punches the top corner causeing half the building to fall, then goes back to making his monkey noises. Godzilla was doin his thang, kickin ass, and causing property damage. Great night.

KAIJU-4: UltramanZearth2 (’97); Destroy All Monsters (’68)

D.D. Tinzeroes: I guess for every ying there must be a yang. Hey, UltramanZearth was so good, how could part II be bad, right? Wrong! As tired and clichéd sequel as there could be. The plot is pretty much directly recycled from the original, except it runs a length 90-minutes or so, and the jokes collapse under the combined weight of a flimsy concept to begin with and the added weirdness of actually being somewhat serious in tone. Destroy All Monsters was decent, but I fail to see what all the hub-bub is about it. I mean, everyone makes it sound like this is the Best Ever. But the battle, although pretty cool, is kinda cluttered. I dunno. Maybe Zearth2 just spoiled the evening.

Ultratom(!): 'Destroy All Monsters' was pretty good, lots of action, butseemed to just kind of run on and on. I don't know what D.D. is talking about. 'Zearth 2'? They never made a sequel to 'Ultraman Zearth', why would they? It would obviously suck terribly. It's probably for the best that it was never made, I mean if they had it probably would have included a non-sensical Anime about an 'Ultra-Cat' at the end of it, that would be awful, just plain awful.

KAIJU-5: Godzilla, Mothra, King Ghidora: Giant Monsters All Out Attack! (’01)

D.D. Tinzeroes: We’d been highly anticipating this one. Directed by Shusuke Kaneko. I was disappointed. Ultratom(!) was happy. Jury’s still out on this one. Looks like a front-runner for KAIJU-14. [editor's note: not sure what this reference to KAIJU-14 means... - Rensey]

Ultratom(!): 'GMK' was alright, it was fine until the end battle scene, but it definetly did not live up to the hype that surrounds it. It did have Mothra in it which is always a plus.

Kaiju Sessions 0-2

[Editor's Note, an Introduction to the Kaiju Sessions: Although Tinzeroes' acquisition of IDEA injected the flailing rag with fresh content, the 'zine continued to be plagued by an inconsistent publishing schedule and a lack of content consistency. It is largely granted that this stemmed from the nature of the contributors themselves. The very flower of the DI revolution, IDEA's writers were prone to long periods of lollygagging and procrastination (always billed as "field research") followed by short, super-nova intense bursts of production and composition ("the rare flash of sobriety" joked DDT, once). Some issues were just 6 or 8 pages long, mostly an inflammatory letter from publisher DDT, a randomly submitted piece from Collision, Dickstain, and the like. Perhaps a bar review. An occasional crudely rendered comic, poorly lit photograph, or cryptic word jumble. Many issues were never published at all, as DDT & Co. would lose interest and begin work on the "new" issue before the current one was even completed.

However, Tinzeroes did manage a surprisingly regular movie capsule review piece with techno-musician/skater Ultratom(!). Not a member or adherent of DI, even by the loosest of definitions (hence his absence from Clenniden's listing), Ultratom(!) association with D.D. Tinzeroes stemmed from when the two were in high school.

Individually, the capsule reviews don't amount to much, but I believe that as a whole they chart an interesting course. DDT's submissions become longer and more in depth as the feature progresses, which ran counter to the direction of IDEA was headed generally (more fragmentary, incomplete, the garbage can).

Since few of these Sessions merit an entry of thier own, they will be published in small batches. -Rensey.]

KAIJU-0: Gamera (‘95).

D.D. Tinzeroes: All good things have humble beginnings. In late July or early August of 2002, I was living in the Clinton street vicinity, and Ultratom(!) and myself arranged for a play-date. The plan was to go and see the ‘Master of the Flying Guillotine’ at Clinton Street Theater. However, one or both of us (but probably Ultratom(!)) screwed up and we got there a day early, basically. Some stupid movie about DIY culture was showing instead. Rather crestfallen, we retreated to Clinton Street Video, and after wandering around for a few minutes, I said: you’ve got to see this, and grabbed the ADV’s dubbed version of 1995’s Gamera. Ultratom(!) really liked it. I had been devouring kaiju films already. The seed was planted.

Ultratom(!): I was all pumped up to see 'Master of the Flying Guillotine (vs. the One Armed Boxer)', however both D.D. and myself had misread the schedule and faced a troublesome decission; Watch a film about DIY culture starring Ian MacKaye, GWAR, JG Thirwell (one of our mutual
heroes), and bunch of people we never heard of. - or - See what kind of entertainment we could find at the Clinton Street Video. D.D. had told me of his new found fascination with [dai]Kaiju films, but I had not had much exposure to these films, save for when I was 10 and had seen
'Rodan', 'Godzilla's Revenge', and I believe a Mothra film, all of which were hosted by Elvira (oh yeah and I saw 'Godzilla 2000' in the theater) 'Gamera Guardian of the Universe' had been staring at me since I walked into the store, after walking around for a while we decided that
'Gamera' would be a good choice for the evening, even though D.D. had seen it before... I had no idea what I was getting myself into. In retrospect when the girl at the checkout counter told D.D. he had a free rental accumulated from "all those Godzilla films", I should have suspected something. 'Gamera' was thoroughly enjoyable.

KAIJU-1: Godzilla vs. MechaGodzilla (’93); Gamera2 (’96)

D.D. Tinzeroes: By this time (late August, early September), I had moved to my new digs off Morrison, by the cemetary. Ultratom(!) wanted to see Gamera2: Advent of Legion, so I figured, ‘hey, lets make it a party and grab another movie, too.’ The nineties version of Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla was, well, I guess its better than most of the fare for the nineties Gojira films. Ultratom(!) liked Gamera2 and was totally psyched for Part 3. We first experience the error(s) of (A) Kaiju Sessions on a Wednesday night, as well as (B) the dangers of doing the double feature, especially with anything post-1990,
Where Japanese films tend to run in the two hour range as par for course.

Ultratom(!): After seeing the 'Gamera: Guardian of the Universe', I went online and started looking for more information on 'Gamera' I ended up downloading a bunch of trailers for 'Gamera 2', and some for 'Gamera 3'. 'Gamera 2' lived up to my expectations and got me totally excited for 'Gamera 3'. I really enjoyed 'Godzilla vs. MechaGodzilla' ('93). The quality of the tape wasn't that great, but it was still a lot of fun. however by the end of the evening I was pretty tired, and had to drag myself to work the next day as well. Atleast I slept well, with images of giant monsters in my head.

KAIJU-2: Gamera3 (’99)

D.D. Tinzeroes: This time we were a bit smarter. We moved the Session to Thursday, and padded out our viewing time by watching one or two old ‘Ultraman’ TV episodes before firing up Gamera3.

Ultratom(!): My new Hero is a giant jet powered turtle.

Introducing! Rensey Sachikokopu!

Way back 7-8 years ago, Rensey was the better half of the IDEA project. Rensey didn't contribute directly: she was interested in the social anthropological angle, so she usually had the bad luck of being the one asking the questions in the interviews.

As such, she put up with a lot.

The DI cadre are not the most, uh, well-kept of people. Their idea of social boundaries also differ wildly with the norm.

We'd kind of lost touch after IDEA was officially cancelled in 2003 and the DI cadre was beginning to fragment (when was the last time anyone saw Dickstain?). After digging these Deep Archives, however, I looked her up, dropped her a line, gave her a call.

Turned out she was still a freelance editor, though most of her time was spent managing and singing for her band, Super Group ("we're big in Korea," she tells me), which plays "ballads of national self-determination."

I asked her if she'd edit again.

"Just no proofing," she replied (I'm not sure what that means).

So, please welcome back Rensey Sachikokopu! She'll be adding editorial comments here and there and everywhere.

-d.d.

Smokepoint (Issue 0)

A promotional tie-in one-shot with the wildly popular Smokepoint! series of chefspionage novels, this curiosity spends the first 4th of the book detailing the origins of the CIA's Office of Culinary Cryptology & Counter-Intelligence and the intricacies of culinary-cryptology.

In short, during the mid-1980s, an American chef creates the science of culinary-cryptology, wherein one cuisine-codemaker can infuse top secret information into the very chemical makeup of a full course meal. Only the able palate of another culi-crpytologist can unravel the complex series of tastes and textures back into the original secret data. In little time this otherwise unknown chef has been installed as the Maître d', head of the CIA's newest branch, the Office of Culinary Cryptology & Intelligence.

For many years the U.S. remains the sole practicioner of chefspionage, until 1995, when India, then China, devise culinary codes of their own. Since 2000, France and Italy have developed fledgling chefspionage departments of their own, though they pale in comparison to the Big Three, and even rank behind a curious independent contract-work outfit originating out of Lebanon.

The remaining three quarters of the issue are dedicated to the life of brilliant and bisexual protaganista Alix Tarragon's prior to her recruitment into the OCCI. In a style reminiscent of Betty & Veronica, her finals days at a New York City culinary school, her social life with Abby Toir (her hardboiled lesbian roommate) before and after graduating from chef school, and her white hot climb to the top of New York's chef society are detailed variously.

The issue concludes with a simple foreshadowing of the first Smokepoint novel: Shallot Grave.

Deep Archive Pt. 3 ("IDEA Mission Statement")

[Note: Yet another fragment from the IDEA project. A bit pedantic. And annoying. I'm much easier to deal with now. Just ask the Finnish navy! -d.d.]

Monday, July 18, 2001
IDEA New Owner Issues Mission Statement for Irrelevant Publication.
Associated Press

PORTLAND- D.D. Tinzeroes, the new owner and Editor-at-Large of
the effectively defunct 'zine IDEA, Interviews with Dynamic enIbriated Artists,
issued a mission statement early this morning as to the future direction of his niche-within-a-niche publication. Full text follows:

Welcome to the new era of Interviews with Dynamic
enIbreiated Artists, I.D.E.A.! Some of you may be wondering what
the hell this is all about. Well, I'll tell ya': Its about ART.
And its about DRINKING. And its about the ART of DRINKING, or
perhaps better put, DRINKING as ART. More specifically, its
about being a JACKASS when you're DRINKING, but being really
really GOOD at is, and walking that fine line between being a
JACKASS (which is funny, and fun, and good and wholesome) and
being a drunk JERK (stupid, annoying, grating, should shut the
fuck up). Its the act of walking this fine line that makes
DRINKING DYNAMICALLY an ART. This publication is dedicated to
those ARTISTS out there who get DYNAMICALLY INEBRIATED. You dig?
Where and how did this new vibrant form of Art originate, you
ask. Well, like anything that arises out of Drinking, its
founders and paragons may have been doing it for a long long
time, since the mid- to late-'90s or so, but only recently can
one say that a "School" or "Dojo" of Dynamic Inebriaism has
arisen. The three-day Drunken Jackass Exhibition & Lecture Series of
2000 can definitely be identified as a seminal event. The
short-lived Jackass League of America (JLA) Project was also
important. Airport Dickstain's European/American Tour of 2001
was the breakout event.

What you will read here may shock, disgust, or make you cry like
a little girl. The contents are about getting FUCKED up,
SHITHAMMERED, dealing with REALLY BAD HANGOVERS, and generally
committing atrocious acts of VIOLENCE to one's own LIVER and
BODY as a whole. It is painful, it is emotional, sometimes its
funny. Overall, it is a labor of love, which my dedicated staff
writers work at night after night after night.

So pop open a big frothy tall boy of Hamms, Pabst, or your cheap
ass local domestic of choice. Its INEBRIATION TIME, baby, and
ain't no one stopping us.

Deep Archive Pt. 2 ("IDEA Press Release")

[Note: Further fragments from the IDEA project.]

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
I.D.E.A. Magazine Owner to Recruit New Talent for Flailing Rag.
(Associated Press)

PORTLAND- Fresh on the heels of Saturday's acquistion of IDEA by Portland derelict D.D. Tinzeroes, long-time IDEA contributor Rensey Sachikokopu reported that Tinzeroes is planning to recruit old collaborator Airport Dickstain to revitalize IDEA.

"He fired everyone," Sachikokopu reported. "He came barging into the office this morning, chased everyone out waving a samurai sword around, and then barricaded the doors with a couple of filing cabinets. We asked him if he was alright, and he 'issued his demands' to us."

The 'demands' which Tinzeroes issued regarded his 'dream team' of staff writers for IDEA. Included were himself, Terri Hatcher, 'the chick from Species', the Canadian, Chris Collision, Mars. M. Stoonz, 'whoever wrote the screenplay for Battlefield Earth so I can kill them', and Airport Dickstain.

When contacted for comment, Terri Hatcher demanded that Tinzeroes stop calling her. Natasha Henstridge (the 'chick from Species') asked why Tinzeroes wouldn't return her calls. The Canadian could not be reached for comment.

Airport Dickstain's agent said he needed to consult with his client, which he would do as soon as he could figure out which dumpster, alleyway, gutter, or cheap, sleazy hotel he was staying in.

Deep Archive Pt. 1 ("IDEA Purchased")

[Note: This is a remnant from a never-materialized 'zine Airport Dickstain¹ and myself were going to do wayyy back when, to be titled IDEA, Invierviews with Dynamic enInbriated Artists. However, to the extent of the existence of my archives, it may be my oldest surviving text regarding the D.I. days (chronicled so well by our friend Jarkko).]

Monday, July 16, 2001 10:34 AM
I.D.E.A 'ZINE GETS NEW OWNER.
Associated Press

PORTLAND- In a surpise move, D.D. Tinzeroes, a local derelict and purported jackass, became the majority shareholder of IDEA Publications, parent company of the flagging Interviews with Dynamic Enibriated Artists ('IDEA') magazine.

Asked for his reasons, Tinzeroes responded, "I purchased what?!"

The editor-in-chief of IDEA, E.J. Yekusy, says the purchase was made in
the early hours of the morning on Saturday. "D.D. called up and said he
owned me and there were going to 'be some changes around here'. We've
interviewed D.D. numerous times and he has proved very complicated and
difficult to interview. D.D. is one of the best Enibriated Artists out
there, but he's always badmouthed IDEA and I don't understand why he would
buy something he dislikes so much."

Asked for a comment on Yekusy's comments, Tinzeroes said "that guy's
a f***! F*** that c***s***ing son of a m************! He's fired! Everyone's
fired. I'm sailing this ship now, goddamn it! F***ers! 'Complicated
and difficult my a**! M************ A******!!"

Tinzeroes has yet to annouce who will be, actually, running and putting IDEA
together now that he's fired everyone, but rumor has it he will mostly like
approach longtime friend and sometime collabotar Airport Dickstain for
input.



¹ From Jarkko's Introduction to D.I.

Airport Dickstain:
Not precisely an adherent of DI, Dickstain was an early influence, something of a covert founder. Through his early work in music and fashion, he strove to put the revolting squarely at the center of revolution, picked up on several DI practioners in later years. (See TruckStop WHORES 2002a, 2002b.) After the band broke up, he took up a career as a travel artist. These travel exploits, and his demented accounts thereof, are probably the first works wholly embodying DI principles. Harrowing to read, and tiresome to hear about, his impassioned and impaired visions of Barcelona streets, London sheets, Salt Lake City vomit, Chicago whores and acid in Kansas provided a bar-napkin sketch of DI from the perspective of a strange and unpleasant man far from home. (See Dickstain 2001c.)

Other notable moments: showed up to a hippie wedding with a sleeveless tshirt and a case of Milwaukee's Best Ice. Got cut off at the reception of another wedding. Short-lived photozine (Dickstain 2003) got wretched reviews. Three separate tattoos involving the word "kunt". Expelled from the Guitar Institute of Hard Knocks.

Most recently, in Dickstain 2005, he provides a vile and unsettled account of a visit to Seattle, focussing upon patries, pasties, bourbon, and magazines of pornography. Other than that, little has been heard of from AD the past couple years. Nobody seems to mind much. Some speculate he has moved to Oakland; his ex-girlfriend (see Jimmy Caruthers) claims "he's down in Chino, doing a nickel on a statch beef".

Signature move: Crashes your (keg/cocktail/key/costume, etc.) party with a six-pack of tall cans, explaining "I don't wanna owe you assholes anything."
Signature line: "You watch this band on your knees, bitches!"