[Note: Interview with Tinzeroes about the old days with Dickstain, for IDEA magazine, prior to his purchase of IDEA, and one of several, though no record of the other interviews are available, at least readily. Probably dates from the summer of '99 or '00, I'd wager... -
IDEA: For starters, I'd like to thank you for doing this interview, Mr. Tinzeroes.
D.D. TINZEROES: Yeah, well, its part of my plea bargain, so... (shrugs).
IDEA: Along with Airport Dickstain and The Canadian1
, you are considered one of the pioneers of Enibriation-as-Art. Care to explain?
DDT: Well, funny thing about that, you know. I mean, I remember as sort of an afterthought we, me and Dickstain and Canada, sorta named me the "winner" of the "Yellow Jersey" after the end of the logn weekend of binge drinking. It was that summer, if I recall, that the three of us started gettin' tight, you know, and sort of began to embrace the concept of gettin' drunk and bein' a jackass.
IDEA: So this is when the Jackass League of America emerged?
DDT: Yeah. The JLA.
IDEA: How did you and Airport Dickstain and The Canadian meet?
DDT: Well, see now, I'd know ICe-B since, uh, late '96 or so, maybe? I can't remember. I lived across the street. I know it was the summer of, uh, '98 that I really got to know him. I hangin' at the Rose Garden late, with the Spice Girls, Janet Jackson, the Backstreet Boys, Disney on Ice, the Circus, stuff like that...
IDEA: Really? The Spice Girls?
DDT: Yeah. I saw Scary's boobs.
IDEA: No shit?!
DDT: Yeah, its true. Her top was one of those string-tie things and it just fell off while she was dancing!(laughs)
IDEA: Wow. (laughs)
DDT: Anyway. I met Canada around that time.
IDEA: And Dickstain?
DDT: Well, now, for that, um. Geez. I think we'd hung out a few times, but only at the bar. The real friendship, if you can call it that. The Collaboration. The collaboration began on the stretch of road between this house that was having a party and the bar where Dickstain was hangin' out with the Subcommandte.
IDEA: Uh huh.
DDT: Um. So I rode this 3-Speed Cruiser I had recently purchased over there. At some point the party ran out of Beer so I went to the nearby Plaid Pantry.
IDEA: Plaid Pantry! Yeahhhh!
DDT: O-Kay... So I'm riding back with a plastic bag with a six pack of tall boy PBRs in it and I ride across the street and approach the party. I figure I can swing up a driveway and on to the sidewalk right?
DDT: So I do it. But I'm going a little fast than I thought I was so I get up on the drive way and try to make this tight turn onto the sidewalk one-handed. My front wheel touches that buffer of lawn between streets and sidewalks and kinda catches on the lip of the sidewalk. The wheel jacks hard to the left and my right hand slips off the handgrip. The bike falls and so do I. My left hand's preoccupied with the beer so I basically don't break my fall in any way whatsoever.
IDEA: Were you alright?
DDT: No. But the beer was fine. I came down hard on my right knee. Of course I've been drinking so I don't really feel any pain and it starts bleeding like a bitch.
IDEA: Ouch. Then what?
DDT: Well, I get up and go to the party, mainly concerned that my beers are alright.
IDEA: Uh huh.
DDT: After a while the hostess has enough money for another keg but no one to go get it. I say "I'll do it" and I'm kinda standing around out front waiting for these real wankers to get their shit together so like five fucking people can go and pick up the keg.
DDT: YEah, you're telling me. Anyway, I get tired of waiting and the bars like only 4 fucking blocks so I figure I can just ride up there, do the paper work, have a beer and wait for these dipshits to get their shit together and meet me there.
IDEA: Yeah. That's reasonable.
DDT: So I sorta start to take off and these dipshits all start walking really fast after me, as if I was gonna steal the cash!
DDT: Yes! I love beer. I would never deprive other people of beer! So I get to wait around like another ten minutes and get in this fucking van with all these dumbshits and go the bar. I get there and I'm like "fuck it" and order a beer and just let the dumbshits deal.
IDEA: Damn straight.
DDT: YEah. So I look around and there's the Subcommandte and Dickstain sitting at a booth. So I sit meself down and have a cold one with them.
IDEA: Uh huh.
DDT: Yeah, and its right about then that my buzz wears off a bit and that knee cut starts to hurt, I mean, Fucking Burning hurt, like a real motherfucker!
DDT: Yeah, so I'm constantly stopping in mid-sentence and kind of bending over in pain and going "ahhhhhhh, my knee, it BURNS!!!"
DDT: So then they're both like, well, lets go that party if they have a keg now. And I'm like okay. So we go outside and Airport's got his mountain bike locked up and I'm like walk with me but he's like no and I'm like well let me ride on the cargo rack and he's like okay and so we take off and more than once he jumps some curbs or something and I get fucking racked on his his cargo rack. So my knee hurts with searing burning pain and my nuts are getting slammed into a piece of flat aluminum.
END.1 From Jarkko's intro to Dynamic Inebriaism
Early collaborator. Illegal immigrant, later deported. Made important contributions to thinskinnedism, condesencion, and wealth of irrelevance. Case study in the canonical Lester Bangs text You Can Live Like a Billionaire on No Income: I Do All the Time, and This Book Tells How. Core heckler. Pioneer of unemploymentedistics, currently reduced to working three jobs and volunteering on the side. Working on a piece called "Twenty-three ways of looking at a mandal" (italics mine).
Signature move: Coming to our country to drink our beer, sleep with our women, and to try as hard as Canadianly possible to avoid taking a job away from anybody.
Signature line: "With me or at me, as long as they're laughing."